Do you remember in Elementary School when they asked you
what you wanted to be when you grew up?
Well, I always answered “A Mom” because that is all I ever wanted to
be. I saw family, friends, and neighbors
get married, and then have kids. I
thought that is just what happened: you get married, and then you have
kids. So, this was my expectation. When
Clint and I got married almost 6 years ago, I never imagined it would take us
this long to have children.
When we first got married we were always asked the
question, “So, when are going to have kids?”
I would answer back with, “not sure” or “soon, hopefully”, or “I already
have one” and point to Clint ;) Many of our friends started to have children. Then they started to have their second and
even third child, and we still didn't have our first.
At first I was embarrassed by the fact that we didn't have kids. I didn't want to tell anyone
that we were struggling with infertility.
I thought we were the only ones!
I was a little naive back then. I
would quickly change the subject if it ever came up. I know, very mature, but that is how I dealt
with it at the time. I’m sure I offended more than one person, and I feel so
bad about that now. I was just immature
about the whole situation and too stubborn to talk about it.
We learned in
January 2011 that I have endometriosis.
I had surgery to remove it and thought that this was it! But, nothing happened. Later that year, we went through 4 cycles of
clomid (hate that drug!) and then did 2 cycles of Intrauterine Insemination (IUI,
aka: artificial insemination). By this
point it had been a long year of medical stuff.
I was emotionally exhausted and drained.
I felt broken and unsure about my purpose in this life. Each day was a struggle to get up and
going. I needed a break. So, we took a much needed “break” for about 5
months. It was so nice! No doctors, no medicine, no crazy hormones
(well, I should say no extra crazy hormones!), and not as much stress.
A friend of mine told me about a specialist that she and
her husband were going to go see (they were having infertility problems
also). When she told me about him, something
sparked inside of me. I know that sounds
weird, but I can’t explain it any other way.
She gave me his number and I held onto it for about 5 months. Clint and I had just decided to take a break
from it all and I wasn't ready to meet with a specialist quite yet. To be honest, I was so sure and stubborn that
it would just happen and we wouldn't need a specialist’s help. After about 5 months I finally got up the nerve to call for an appointment,
and I am so glad I did. The appointment
was one of the best ones we have ever had.
Everything just seemed to click and make sense.
We decided to try another IUI. This round was so much better. I was taking a different medication than the
one I had taken before and my body handled it much better. This whole process just felt better. It felt right.
On December 14, 2012 we found out that I am pregnant; a
pure miracle. I think back on the past
4.5 years, and I wouldn’t change a thing.
I am who I am because of the struggles I had to go through. My marriage is stronger than I ever imagined
it could be. I love my husband more than
I thought possible. My testimony of the
Gospel has never been challenged like it has been the past 4 years. Everything that I believed, everything that I
learned growing up, came into question.
There were nights that I cried for hours and days that I wanted to just
give up and quit. But, God wouldn’t let
me. Looking back, I can see that He put
some people in my life to strengthen and uplift me; and others he put in my
life for me to help so I would forget about myself. There is something so valuable about
service. I could go off for hours on it,
but I will spare you!
I never thought I would say this, but I am grateful for
this trial. There are people that have
impacted my life forever that I never would have met or gotten to know if it
wasn’t because of this. I have learned
so much about myself, about the Gospel of Jesus Christ and about the scriptures
that I never thought was possible. I
know that God hears and answers our prayers.
Sometimes the answer is no (which is so frustrating!), but He never
leaves us comfortless. He knows each of
us and what is best. His timing is
always the right timing.
Infertility is something that not very many people speak
up about, and while I can understand why, I often wonder why there isn’t more
that is said. Does that make sense? I had no clue how many people struggle with
this! I often think that maybe if I had,
things would have gone a lot better in the beginning. I am now more open about this whole
experience and will gladly answer any questions. It’s interesting that things don’t always happen
the way we expect them to, but they always seem to happen the way they are
supposed to.
If you have ever struggled with, or are struggling with,
having children, I am truly sorry. It
doesn't matter if you've been dealing with it for 1 year or 15, it’s still
hard. I don’t think anyone deserves to
go through something like that. It is absolutely
heart breaking, especially when you have a not-so-friendly reminder each month! Just know that you are not alone. You are never alone. I have learned that it is ok to cry. It is ok to be sad. It is ok to feel emotions. But, don’t dwell on them. Find something that will help
you keep going. For me, it was my
job. I love teaching. That is what honestly kept me going most
days. I know, a whole lot easier said
than done!
For those who have never had an infertility problem, be
grateful and don’t ever be sorry about it! If you have kids, go hug and kiss them right now. They are each little miracles from our
Heavenly Father. You may wonder what to say to someone who is going through
something like this. A simple “I’m
sorry. That must be hard” can go a long
way. And sometimes the best thing to say
is nothing at all. If you feel like you
do need to say something, remember that less is more.
"Just when all seems to be going right, challenges often
come in multiple does applied simultaneously.
When those trials are not consequences of your disobedience, they are
evidence that the Lord feels you are prepared to grow more. He therefore gives you experiences that
stimulate growth, understanding, and compassion which polish you for your
everlasting benefit. To get you from
where you are to where He wants you to be requires a lot of stretching, and
that generally entails discomfort and pain." --Richard G Scott
